Veritas  Any Day Now
Cover Contents Masthead Contact Links
Briefs  Clippings & Excerpts
Books • Newspapers • Catalogs
14 March 2008


What the hell is it? Do you know? See below.


WE SCAN ADS from an actual catalog, a catalog selling junque. (That's junk with cachet.) These ads are real. Maybe they don't seem real, but they are.

This week we return—it's been too long—to Hammacher Schlemmer. And I'm showing the copy full-size so you can read it. And after you read the copy...


...yes, so here's what came to me after reading about this thing. Rich dude, there in the lake doin' his castin' thing, wearing his Orvis fishin' gear, standing in his Stand-up Fisherman's Kayak, outriggers deployed, steady as she goes. He's in place out there on his lake having found his perfect fishin' spot. Already caught a few, banged them on the head, put 'em in his cooler, yeah. So he's in place just a-castin' away, and all of a sudden from out of nowhere, comes this huge... gray-green-lookin'...why it must be ten feet tall and fifty feet long movin' toward him at forty miles an hour skimmin' over the surface of the lake and damn if it doesn't look like...nah, it couldn't be, and the thing, whatever it is, swerves toward our kayak boy and then cuts back toward the middle of the lake and the wake from this thing sends the kayak wobblin' and shakin' and knocks our boy out of his Stand Up Fisherman's Kayak and into the lake. And he loses his expensive fishin' pole and his neat Orvis hat and gets his Orvis clothing all wet. "Godalmighty damn! What the hell was that!" Blub, blub.

And some of his buddies stayin' in the cabin-manse next to his putt-putt over to him splashin' there in the water, blubberin' there, and they pick him out of the water and put him in their boat. And they all get to the shore, to the dock and they're all sittin' there, in their Orvis dock chairs, shakin' their heads and he's shakin' his head and our Kayak guy says, "Jesus! What the hell was that? Where did it go? What the hell was that?" And one of the other fishermen says, "Damn if it didn't look like..." And he stops and shakes his head. "What? What?" the kayak guy says. "Well, I know this sounds crazy...but it looked like a big ol'... bass. Damn giant bass, big ol' fish! Must have been eighty feet long and twenty feet off...Say, you got any hard stuff in your cooler?"

That's what came to me when I saw that junque kayak thing from Hammacher-Schlemmer.



The Catalog of Catalogs Page

List of Briefs by Date
  Like what you read here?  Tell
Visit the Contents Page. Almost

Cover |Contents | Masthead | Contact | Links