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22 February  2008

traveler's handheld

This is the handheld portable water purifier that uses ultraviolet light to eliminate 99.99% of waterborne microbes, requiring only 48 seconds to disinfect 16 oz. of clear water—300 times faster than chlorine or iodine. Simply turn on the device, insert the purifier's wand into a glass of water and stir the water until the LED on the handle illuminates. The device exceeds water purification protocols set by the Environmental Protection Agency, effectively destroying microbes such as giardia and cryptosporidium, eliminating 99.99% of viruses such as hepatitis and poliovirus, and killing 99.9999% of bacteria such as salmonella and E. coli. Smaller than a toothbrush, the device easily fits in a shirt pocket toiletry bag, or briefcase. Includes carrying case and two CR123 batteries, each allowing you to purify up to 13 gallons of water. ...$99.95


we scan ads from an actual catalog, a catalog selling junque. (That's junk with cachet.) These ads are real. Maybe they don't
seem real, but they are.

This week, yes, from Hammacher-Schlemmer, it's the Traveler's Handheld Water Purifier.





A balmy evening, somewhere near Puerto Vallarta in Mexico. A picturesque cantina. A man, a tourist, sits at a table, a glass of water in front of him. In the glass of water is the Traveler's Handheld Water Purifier. The cantina's owner approaches the table.

Good evening, seņor, how are you this evening? Everything OK?

Yes, thank you. Fine, fine.

What you got there? What is that thing in your glass of water?

Oh, this? Well, yes. This is a water purifier, handheld.

A water purifier?

Yes, just to make sure...a water purifier.

Got a little light on it.

Yes, it does, doesn't it?

Nice, nice. Water purifier. You think somethin' wrong with our water?

Oh, no. Not at all. But...

Well, seņor, you don' think somethin' wrong with our water, why you using it?

Well, you can't be too careful these days with...

No you can't be too careful. You Americanos can't be too careful. You always worried about gettin' some disease when you come down here on vacation, aren't you, afraid of gettin' dirty.

Oh, no...

I think you Americanos are just a little bit, uh—how-you-say?—paranoid. Little afraid of...

Oh, no. Look I'm sorry.

...Come into my cantina carryin' that thing. I think that you afraid of dirt.

Oh, no. Not at all...

And I think you need to get a little dirty, get a little brown, like me. See? I think you need to eat a little dirt and get brown like me. What you you think about that? Get up. Comin' into my place with that thing...Get up.

Oh, but...

We goin' outside...

Oh, but please!

We gonna dance in the dirt a little bit. You gonna get all brown and dirty...

Oh, but...Help! Police! Uh, Policia! Policia! Help! Help!

The Traveler's Handheld Water Purifier, only $99.95 from Hammacher-Schlemmer. Dental work, $8,329. 20.


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