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8 February 2008

EACH WEEK we scan ads from an actual catalog, a catalog selling junque. (That's junk with cachet.) These ads are real. Maybe they don't seem real, but they are.

This week we again include items from the Gaiam "Harmony" catalog. That is spelled correctly, G-a-i-a-m. Gaia (as in “earth”) plus an "m" sound as in “Om,” maybe, as in, you know, "Ommmmm." Bliss, etc. Gaiam. But let's just stop right now. Right now, I say! Don't you over-indulge? Aren't you a bit of a reprobate, a sybarite, a hedonist, know what you are. And don't you need—admit it now—some detox. Detox yourself! Damn you, you filthy thing. You know that you do.

Don't you want to restore your life-force energy or chi? Damn you, you know that you do! You wastrel! Don't you know that this Chi Detox Kit blends "ancient healing wisdom with modern science." What? What did you say? Come right over here! What modern science? you say. Which modern science? you say. Shut your heathen mouth. It's chi! Say it, you drunkard! Chi! Chi! Chi! And don't ask questions.

And now give your attention to the Porcelain Neti Pot and don't you dare ask why. Your sinuses are filthy, that's why. Maintain healthy sinuses and do it now! Use the kosher certified Neti Pot Salt to make a pure, cleansing solution that flows in one nostril and out the other for a refresing nasal sensation. It just might do you some good. Just a minute! Just a minute! Did you ask how that could be refreshing? Water flowing through your nose? Have you not learned? Did you just say that "pleasing nasal sensation" makes no sense? Did you say that? Confess! Well, then, you will not be given access to Neti Wash Plus with its antiviral and antimicrobial properties. And you know what? You will remain a toxified and filthy human being into your next life and the next and will never ever be allowed to buy from Gaiam or to sit at the feet of Deepak Chopra. Return your Gaiam catalog, vermin! Wastrel! Toxified person! Your chi is all askew and your chakras are misaligned. And you have a nasty mouth.


Chi Detox Set

Restore your life-force energy or chi with this herbal cleansing kit that blends ancient healing wisdom with modern science. The patches alleviate insomnia, headaches and muscle pain; the supplement helps eliminate toxins. The soak revitalizes skin and helps eliminate fat....


Porcelain Neti Pot

Maintain healthy sinuses naturally using this safe Ayurvedic treatment that brings quick relief for congestion and allergies. Use non-iodized kosher-certified Net Pot Salt to make a pure, cleansing solution that flows in one nostril and out the other for a refresing nasal sensation. For more relief, add a few drops of Neti Wash Plus with the antimicrobial and antiviral properties of herbal extracts and zinc....

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